Running to Stand Still

[handful_ofdust]

That's how I feel, overall. Like Gorey's woman born under a curse/[who] Would ride back and forth in a hearse/Through the depths of her veil/She'd continually wail:/'Things do not get better. but worse!' Which isn't absolutely true, but--

1. agincourtgirl's health problems.

2. I've got cankers on both sides of my gum, right next to my lovely new dental work. This means on top of the pills for my neck, the daily Nytol and Robaxicet cocktail, I'm also swishing my mouth with Amosan immediately after eating.

3. Last night, the lights went out at my condo, and I still don't know if they're back on. We removed Cal to Mom's and slept on her couch-bed, which has fucked up my back immeasurably. Then Steve "let" me sleep in (one can only think he thought he was doing me a favor), meaning I'm not going to be able to work out; he also used all the towels, so I can't even get cleaned up before I go meet green_trilobite and moon_custafer for lunch.

4. Saw III sucks...not in execution (ha ha), but for what it does to the central characters as already established. Which means, unfortunately, that I think I really have reached my tipping point with this particular trend in horror--I'm officially grumpy, old and in the way when it comes to all things "extreme". And me not even 40 yet.

5. School...just sort of lies there. I think I'm keeping up, but I'm not sure. I don't know what good I'm being to most people; hopefully some, but I'm just not sure. It's not a good place to be. And they can't tell me if the long-awaited new program is EVER getting up off the ground, which means we're muddling through on nothing much plus nothing much, and I can't plan my next five years/prospective second child with any real certainty. Looks like I'm getting 20 hours next semester: Yay, I guess. Better than 18. But they're probably going to fuck me over just as hard with the scheduling as they did this time 'round, so really, whatever.

6. Extracurricular work has ground to a halt, mainly because of my physical issues. Thus far, I've done maybe 800 new words on "Strange Weight", which takes us partway into section three. I have an end-of-November deadline for No Vacancies. Nothing's been done at all on the Canadian Film History thing, though I have some interesting research nibbles. Blood from the Air isn't going anywhere else until I write substantially more of the entire friggin' book. I feel like I'm behind, out of the loop. I feel like crap.

7. Dealing with Cal is hard. Dealing with Steve is hard, especially when he freaks out about money, like he did yesterday. He looks at me sidelong, like I think he shits it, or something. Like the fact that the TFS won't reimburse me for things like whiteboard pens is my fucking fault, like I just didn't try hard enough to explain the facts of life to them. Yes, me getting behind on putting stuff in to be copied IS my fault, but since we can do it at home with the simple expenditure of $5.00 on paper...except that suddenly, $5.00 is too much. Which means arguing about the price of tickets later this week is gonna be really choice. Maybe he'll advocate me getting up at 6:00 AM and walking to school, 'cause I'm sure that's not too big a deal, as long as it saves us money...

8. We have the possibility of putting Cal in daycare, but that costs money too, and he doesn't want to spend more money on childcare per week. Even though what we're spending now is, frankly, a fucking gift, and daycare would be less. And Cal would get more socialized. And I wouldn't have to be chasing him around all the fucking time, while simultaneously trying to do five daily loads of laundry, three daily loads of dishes, other chores like occasionally cleaning the completely encrusted inside of the bathroom sink, shopping, keeping on top of stuff, fixing what we break, making sure we're not living in a fucking garbage tip.

I'm sick of being sick. I'm sick of living my life like this. I'm sick of feeling like an overworked, underpaid, undermotivated glorified amateur. Over and out.

Comments

[popfantastic.livejournal.com]

*hugs* This sounds much like the dread combination of long-term stuff combined with It's One of Those Weeks, which is just the most unfair sort of double-teaming. At the very least, I hope you will be back with your own bed, towels, and electricity soon.

[handful-ofdust.livejournal.com]

Thanks. Yeah, it's pretty much exactly like that, and it IS already a bit better. But I'm tired, I continue to be tired. I hope that'll change sometime sooner, rather than later.

[agincourtgirl.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry you have those damn canker sores on top of everything...I hope that they will do something with me sooner rather than later (MRI tomorrow asap, then who knows what). I'm ill, but expect to get better soon...

...I hope you feel better soon too...things will work out with writing, because you are a writer first and a damn good one...

[handful-ofdust.livejournal.com]

Best of luck for tomorrow, and thanks for calling. I know I'll feel better after I get somerthing done, too...just have to make sure it's also something I'm getting paid for.;) The classic professional self-confidence two-fer.

[moon-custafer.livejournal.com]

I'm officially grumpy, old and in the way when it comes to all things "extreme". And me not even 40 yet.
Actually, from what you told me about the movie it's not that you have a problem with horrific grotesque extreme violence, it's that you have a problem with horrific grotesque extreme violence that cheats, which may actually qualify you as young and naive rather than old and grumpy.

I'm just sayin'.