(no subject)

[handful_ofdust]

My friend Neil died. I heard about it second-hand, through a Facebook message; later I spoke with his mother, who still remembered me as one of his "best" friends, even though I hadn't seen him in person for...five years? At least.

He died alone. He'd been clean for years, but these are hard times to stay clean. I feel like I failed him, and I probably did, but I also don't want to make it all about me. I think I'm having trouble processing it. I wonder why that surprises me.

He was my oldest friend. We dug coal together in the child psychiatry mines. I literally met him at my therapist's, in the waiting room. We meant a lot to each other at one point. I don't think I'd be who I am without having known him. And now people are commiserating with me over my loss, but my loss is pretty well nothing compared to his. I'm grateful for the support, obviously. And yet.

So that's how it's going. I make food and do laundry and watch dumb stuff on TV. I sleep a lot. And my friend is dead, and he died alone. I need to think about that. I don't want to think about that.

Comments

[sovay]

And now people are commiserating with me over my loss, but my loss is pretty well nothing compared to his.

And he's not in a position to feel anything about it, and you are, and you are stealing nothing from his death to be hurt by the loss of him. I am sorry that is what it came to. The thing about falling out of touch with people is that you always imagine they are still out there, right where you left them, when it comes time to reconnect, and sometimes it's true, and sometimes it isn't.

Love.

[handful_ofdust]

Thank you; that's a good way to think about it. Love back.

[oracne]

I'm so sorry. That's really hard, and there's nothing I can do to make it better, but answering hopefully makes you feel less alone.

[handful_ofdust]

Thanks.

[moon_custafer]

All out of words at the moment, feel free to accept a hug.

[handful_ofdust]

Thanks. Hugs back.:)