More Pixel-Stainery
Apr. 23rd, 2009 12:40 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
handful_ofdustIn honor of International Pixel-Stained Techno Peasant Day, a little something amusing from my storied (ha!) past—co-written with my second former fiance, in case you’re wondering. Hope it serves.
EXTREMELY SHORT (BUT SCARY) GHOST STORIES
By Gemma Files and Alex Wiebe
CONTENTS
The Dinner Party
The Train Conductor
The Convenience Store
The Dentist's Office
The CFL Championship
The Watch-seller
The Scary Old Mansion
The Two Dads
The Pedestrian
THE DINNER PARTY
So this guy shows up at a dinner party, and nobody knows who he is. And no one cares, either. And suddenly he announces: "I'm DEAD! Hey, I'm DEAD!" And still nobody cares. So he just leaves.
THE TRAIN CONDUCTOR
So there's this conductor on a train. And he's going around collecting tickets. So he comes up to this one guy and takes his ticket, and says: "So, you're going to [a city in Ontario]?" And the guy says: "That's right." So the conductor goes to the next guy, and says: "Ticket, please." And the next guy says: "I'm DEAD! I'm DEAD!" So the conductor made him leave the train, because they don’t sell tickets to dead people.
THE CONVENIENCE STORE
So there's this guy, and he wants to buy some smokes. So he goes into the Becker's Milk store. And he asks the clerk: "Can I have some Marlboro Extra-Lights, please?" And the clerk says: "No, you can’t, because I'm DEAD! I'm DEAD!" So the guy had to go somewhere else to get his smokes.
THE DENTIST'S OFFICE
So there's this woman who works in a dentist's office. And the dentist tells her to send the next patient in. So she goes out to the front desk and checks the file, and she comes out into the waiting room and says: "Mr LeSeur?" And this one guy says: "Oh, am I next?" And she says: "That's right. And you know what else? I'm DEAD! I'm DEAD!"
THE CFL CHAMPIONSHIP
So it's the big final game of the Canadian football season, between Winnipeg and Toronto. And the two team captains are out on the field for the coin toss. So the referee tosses the coin and asks the Winnipeg guy to call it heads or tails. So the Winnipeg guy says: "Heads." But the coin comes up tails so the referee says to the Toronto guy: "Do you elect to kick off or receive?" And the Toronto guy says: "Neither, because I'm DEAD! I'm DEAD!" So Toronto had to forfeit the game, because there weren't enough live people on their team, and their captain just sat around on the sideline saying how he was dead.
THE WATCH-SELLER
So this woman from Sarnia comes into town and starts walking down Yonge Street. And she's a little worried because of all the rampant crime she read about in the TORONTO SUN. But she sees this guy selling watches on the street, and he seems nice. So she comes up to him and says: "These watches are good quality. Did you buy them in New York?" And the guy says: "Didn't you see the sign? I'm DEAD! I'm DEAD!" And she actually hadn't seen the sign, because the sun was in her eyes. But once she'd gone a little further down the street, she looked back, and then she could finally see it. It said: DEAD GUY SELLING WATCHES, EXCEPT NOT, BECAUSE HE’S DEAD.
THE SCARY OLD MANSION
So there are these two kids coming home from school. And on their way, they go by this scary old mansion which everybody in the neighborhood thinks is probably haunted. So the one kid says to the other: "I bet you couldn't stay a whole minute in that scary old mansion, because it's so scary and old." And the other kid says: "Well, I bet I could, because I'm DEAD! I'm DEAD!" And the first kid says: "Oh, okay." So they both went home to watch the CFL Championship on TV.
THE TWO DADS
So these other two kids are out playing in the yard. They're best friends and all, because they live right next to each other. And the one kid says: "This sucks. All your toys suck. My Dad says they're cheap." And the other kid says: "Well, I bet my Dad could whip your Dad's sorry ass." And the first kid says: "No he couldn't." And the other kid says: "Yes, he could." And the first kid says: "No, he couldn't." And the other kid says: "Yes, he could." And just then, the other kid's Dad sticks his head out the back door and says: "You know, he's right. I could whip your Dad's sorry ass, because I'm DEAD! I'm DEAD!" So since they knew there was no way to argue with that, they just went back to playing with their sucky toys.
THE PEDESTRIAN
So there's this guy, walking along the street? And he's DEAD!! He's DEAD!!!! DEEAAAAAD!!!!
THE END
EXTREMELY SHORT (BUT SCARY) GHOST STORIES
By Gemma Files and Alex Wiebe
CONTENTS
The Dinner Party
The Train Conductor
The Convenience Store
The Dentist's Office
The CFL Championship
The Watch-seller
The Scary Old Mansion
The Two Dads
The Pedestrian
THE DINNER PARTY
So this guy shows up at a dinner party, and nobody knows who he is. And no one cares, either. And suddenly he announces: "I'm DEAD! Hey, I'm DEAD!" And still nobody cares. So he just leaves.
THE TRAIN CONDUCTOR
So there's this conductor on a train. And he's going around collecting tickets. So he comes up to this one guy and takes his ticket, and says: "So, you're going to [a city in Ontario]?" And the guy says: "That's right." So the conductor goes to the next guy, and says: "Ticket, please." And the next guy says: "I'm DEAD! I'm DEAD!" So the conductor made him leave the train, because they don’t sell tickets to dead people.
THE CONVENIENCE STORE
So there's this guy, and he wants to buy some smokes. So he goes into the Becker's Milk store. And he asks the clerk: "Can I have some Marlboro Extra-Lights, please?" And the clerk says: "No, you can’t, because I'm DEAD! I'm DEAD!" So the guy had to go somewhere else to get his smokes.
THE DENTIST'S OFFICE
So there's this woman who works in a dentist's office. And the dentist tells her to send the next patient in. So she goes out to the front desk and checks the file, and she comes out into the waiting room and says: "Mr LeSeur?" And this one guy says: "Oh, am I next?" And she says: "That's right. And you know what else? I'm DEAD! I'm DEAD!"
THE CFL CHAMPIONSHIP
So it's the big final game of the Canadian football season, between Winnipeg and Toronto. And the two team captains are out on the field for the coin toss. So the referee tosses the coin and asks the Winnipeg guy to call it heads or tails. So the Winnipeg guy says: "Heads." But the coin comes up tails so the referee says to the Toronto guy: "Do you elect to kick off or receive?" And the Toronto guy says: "Neither, because I'm DEAD! I'm DEAD!" So Toronto had to forfeit the game, because there weren't enough live people on their team, and their captain just sat around on the sideline saying how he was dead.
THE WATCH-SELLER
So this woman from Sarnia comes into town and starts walking down Yonge Street. And she's a little worried because of all the rampant crime she read about in the TORONTO SUN. But she sees this guy selling watches on the street, and he seems nice. So she comes up to him and says: "These watches are good quality. Did you buy them in New York?" And the guy says: "Didn't you see the sign? I'm DEAD! I'm DEAD!" And she actually hadn't seen the sign, because the sun was in her eyes. But once she'd gone a little further down the street, she looked back, and then she could finally see it. It said: DEAD GUY SELLING WATCHES, EXCEPT NOT, BECAUSE HE’S DEAD.
THE SCARY OLD MANSION
So there are these two kids coming home from school. And on their way, they go by this scary old mansion which everybody in the neighborhood thinks is probably haunted. So the one kid says to the other: "I bet you couldn't stay a whole minute in that scary old mansion, because it's so scary and old." And the other kid says: "Well, I bet I could, because I'm DEAD! I'm DEAD!" And the first kid says: "Oh, okay." So they both went home to watch the CFL Championship on TV.
THE TWO DADS
So these other two kids are out playing in the yard. They're best friends and all, because they live right next to each other. And the one kid says: "This sucks. All your toys suck. My Dad says they're cheap." And the other kid says: "Well, I bet my Dad could whip your Dad's sorry ass." And the first kid says: "No he couldn't." And the other kid says: "Yes, he could." And the first kid says: "No, he couldn't." And the other kid says: "Yes, he could." And just then, the other kid's Dad sticks his head out the back door and says: "You know, he's right. I could whip your Dad's sorry ass, because I'm DEAD! I'm DEAD!" So since they knew there was no way to argue with that, they just went back to playing with their sucky toys.
THE PEDESTRIAN
So there's this guy, walking along the street? And he's DEAD!! He's DEAD!!!! DEEAAAAAD!!!!
THE END
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2009-04-23 04:50 pm (UTC)LOL!
Nice to see your name in Ellen's Lovecraft Unbound. Looks to be a winning antho.
no subject
Date: 2009-04-23 04:52 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-04-23 08:04 pm (UTC)In either case, this is some funny shit, which I really needed, so thanks.
no subject
Date: 2009-04-24 12:11 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-04-24 12:49 am (UTC)Actually we had some jokes like this in high school:
Q: Why didn't the chicken cross the road?
A: Because he was DEAD!!! DEAD!!
no subject
Date: 2009-04-24 05:02 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-04-24 01:59 am (UTC)Also--read it to my kids, with much hilarity :D
no subject
Date: 2009-04-24 05:00 am (UTC)(Okay, that last part is a lie, since that movie is, of course, about...decapitation.;))
no subject
Date: 2009-04-24 02:48 am (UTC)Truman Capote's Dead. The chorus is the title, and his 'voice' comes up after it, saying, "I'm DEAD! I'm DEAD, I'm DEAD!"
no subject
Date: 2009-04-24 04:59 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-04-24 04:38 am (UTC)Yay.
no subject
Date: 2009-04-24 04:58 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-04-24 05:13 pm (UTC)It made me snerk out loud.